Heart Shaped Box, or, Confessions of Sirius Black
by Luthien Persephone
Summary: This is...well..um..its..oh, just read the damned thing. And damned it probably is... hannon lle again to PFC, for typing it up. Good little butler monkey...


Heart-Shaped Box  
  
Or  
  
Confessions of Sirius Black  
  
Let me get a few things clear. I do not own Sirius Black. I do not own Remus Lupin. I do not own the Harry Potter franchise, full stop. I accept that many readers will be annoyed, bored or disgusted by this fic. I accept that there is no indication that the character Sirius Black is bisexual.  
  
I do not give a shit.  
  
I say this because now, I am writing this garbage at twenty past midnight on Saturday, no, wait, Sunday, in a thundering bad temper, I am rather convinced life sucks. Especially for a harassed teenager. And thus, lo and behold, I'm giving Sirius a chance to vent his feelings at least. I don't know if he's writing it, saying it or just thinking it. I do not care that Nirvana weren't around then. I'm not even sure if this rubbish counts as a fan fiction. Like I said, I don't give a shit.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Life sucks. Especially for a harassed and hormone-fuelled teenager. Tiny trivial things seem so stupidly important, and bug things seem so far away, until they're too close for comfort.  
  
These summer holidays seem to have gone to fast and too slow: too fast to really, truly relax and have fun. But too slow to, well, if you've been cut off from your friends like I have, you'll know what I mean.  
  
I'd never really had friends before Hogwarts - the slime balls that are my family would only ever let me mix with 'purebloods', who are, of course, the most rotten, vile little sods to walk the Earth. Even the ones who weren't too bad were usually corrupted. I remember one kid, Ceal Somebody, used to be a real nice guy, if a bit simple, but always did his best. Then he got in with a lot who ended up in slytherin, and they bully him into submission. I used to try and stick up for him, so they ignored my existence. They would've done a lot worse if it wasn't for my 'honourable' bloodlines.  
  
Yeah, anyway, friends. I met James on the train in our first year, and we chatted a bit. We didn't realise what good friends we'd become at first, we soon did.  
  
I actually got on better with Peter at first. We were next to each other in the dorm, and he wanted a best friend, someone who wasn't nervous like him. Turns out I fitted fine, so did James.  
  
As for Remus, we didn't meet until second year, as he only joined then. He was always quiet. And I don't think he liked me much at first. He hit it off with James, and I must say I stupidly got a bit jealous. I'd only just got these friends; I didn't want to lose them to somebody else. But we got on after a while, to the point where we hated being apart, even at the full moon. It was my idea to be able to go with him each month. But, Sod's law, it's that closeness that's making my life hell.  
  
I'd bean sure I was bisexual since third year, and I'd been pretty open about it. It didn't cause much fuss - that sort of thing doesn't really seem so odd to wizards as it does to muggles, especially when you think that we're used to a world of hippogriffs and sports on broomsticks. Anyway, nobody really minded, apart from a few gits in slytherin. I'd been with more girls than guys, and it seemed to make me rather popular with the girls, to the extent of a few 'whore' and 'slut' jokes from James, the cheeky bugger. He might not have done if I'd told him how badly a girl had hurt me before. That bitch pretty much broke my heart, but I almost asked for it. I was young and stupid, and she was a bit older, smarter, and a total bitch, but gorgeous. And she knew it. She used to toy with guys, break them and move onto the next. People warned me against her, but I walked straight into her trap. She led me on for about two months, ditched me for some fourth year ravenclaw, and then destroyed him by sleeping with his best friend. And even though I knew what she was like, I loved her. I still did till a few weeks ago, but know I hate her. I hate her for what she did, what she's like, but most of all I hate her for leaving her spell on me, making me want her against my will. I feel like screaming when I hear her name, which is practically every day as the whole school is always gossiping. 'Did you hear about what Bella's done?' 'I see Trixie's got yet another boyfriend.' That Bellatrix will be the death of me.  
  
And all the while I've been acting as if I got over her, she's history. She's not. She's stuck on me, and I hate her. It's like that song, 'I've been stuck inside you heart-shaped box for weeks; I've been drawn into you magnet tar-pit trap . . .' For as much as I hate her I find myself loving her.  
  
And just as I have to deal with that, my family from hell, my schoolwork and everything I go and fall in love with my best friend.  
  
Not silly little teenage hormonal love, I mean really. I loved having him as a friend, just the same as I love knowing James and Peter, I suppose, but one day, it just clicked. I suddenly knew he was the most gorgeous creature alive, and I loved him, everything about him. From the way he was quietly intelligent, the colour of his eyes, to every tiny scar from his monthly transformations. I have it bad, and that's the problem. For, as wonderful as he is, he is undeniably heterosexual. So for as much as my heart is screaming for me to do something, anything, in my head I'm thinking he's straight, it wouldn't work. So, unwittingly to him, I'm locked inside his heart-shaped box as well, and as much as I love him, I find myself haring him for causing me that much pain. And I hate myself for it.  
  
*~*~*  
  
Poor old Sirius. Maybe that's why he stayed at James' house when he ran away. Incidentally, if Sirius and Remus awaken your perverted little curiosity, look at Mieko Belle's Fairy Boys fic. But be warned, it's slashy.  
  
And Bellatrix? Ouch . . . 


End file.
